A Perspective on God After Miscarriages

I remember the first time I saw a positive sign come up on a pregnancy stick. In that moment my whole mindset changed: I was a mother, and my world would now be intertwined with the life of this little one that grew inside of me. There was great joy in hearing babies heartbeat, seeing them grow into a little person, but this beautiful vision of what our family would look like melted away with the words “there is no heartbeat anymore”. I would go on to hear this 3 more times: 4 precious lives lost and with them that vision of motherhood I had built up on them living seemed to die too. With these losses came a strained relationship and understanding of God. In one moment I would be cursing Him and doubting his existence and in the next I would be begging him to comfort me, to give me a sign that my life was still meaningful, even without my children in it. How would I rid my mind and heart of the gruesome images and memories that exist from birthing deceased babies in hospitals and on my bathroom floor? How could I come to terms with holding their bodies in my hands, the bittersweet moments of seeing their sweet tiny faces, little hands and feet, lifeless on earth, knowing that I would never hear them laugh, cry, or say "mommy"? How would I work through the immense pain, anger and loss that I felt? And in my mind was a broken record- an evil voice telling me “its your fault” “its your fault” “its your fault". Grief can be so complicated and often contradictory. While I aimed to rid myself of all sadness in favor of faking happiness, I also wanted grief to become a warm blanket, to swallow me up in sorrow so that I could lash out in anger rather than face the world bravely. It was easier for me to do that than be happy. 

Now that we have completed the adoption our my son, I know more clearly that what may seem like a horrible thing at one point in time, can lead you on to the most life changing path and give you your greatest blessing at another time. If I had not gone through years of miscarriages, I would not have adopted my son because my heart needed to change. I was angry at God, didn't understand the plan He had for my life, stopped believing in Him at one point, and just felt at a loss and betrayed. I was walking pain and wanted to shut out the world. I was only looking at the short term, immediate picture for my life, and didn't like what it looked like at the time, whereas God knows my BIG lifetime picture. His vision of what is best for me is clearer than mine. Once I got to the "other side" of my trauma (and trust me, it wasn't easy), I realized how good He is, and when I face trials now I know they will lead me to a better understanding of self, and purpose. We are in the process of adopting our second child from Ukraine who has special needs....would I have pursued that 5 years ago? No way!!! But now, I can't wait to have them in our home. He loves me enough to not only give us one child through adoption, but a second one as well! He has equipped Adam and I to raise a child who is "extra special"- how wonderful is our God?

I just want to encourage any of you who are struggling with how your life seems- trust God. Our human minds can not even begin to understand how merciful He really is, always is. The hard truth (and some people may disagree with me on this, but this is the perspective that I have found the most healing in)- you having to wait to be pregnant, or have a healthy pregnancy is not God. You having to struggle and feel pain in all of this, is not God. Losing babies, sinking into depression, being swallowed up by grief, is not God- it is the evil one; it comes from the dark place, not the light of God. I prayed and begged for God to give me a healthy pregnancy but it just didn't happen at that time. God showed himself clearly to me through the adoption of our son, the best gift of my life. He knew my son was waiting for me, and He knew exactly how to work through the brokenness of infertility that the evil one tried to ravage my body and mind with. God can work in anything, and this darkness led me to Him. Does God have the power to make you pregnant with a healthy baby?...absolutely. Does God have the power to fulfill all of your desires?...absolutely. But what would giving you exactly what you want, how you want it, manage to do in shaping you into the person you can be, the path you can be on, even if it brings pain? You don't want a God who is a genie in a lamp. You want a God who knows your best interests and will hold strong to His promises, even when you feel as if you can't cope with the process at times. I have more to offer my son as a mother now, someone who has experienced brokenness and extreme hurt, than I ever could have if my life had turned out exactly the way I had wanted it to. I do not deserve the blessings He has given me, but He loves me enough to give them anyways. 

Meditate on Proverbs 3:5 ("Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding")- try your very best not to succumb to your own thoughts and understanding of what you "need". Trust that God knows better...even if it is hard.

Launching our Adoption Video Intro

We have been thinking about this video and making plans for it for what seems like a very long time now...too long of a time. There are many reasons for the time we took, especially since we have no idea how to explain the calling God has placed on our hearts so that others can entirely understand where we are coming from. All we know for sure is that our God is great, our God is good and that He loves us enough to know we are equipped to take on the responsibility of caring for a child who has special needs. Of course this video has lots of things missing that we wanted to say, and because we are by no means professional videographers there is no doubt lots of glitches. But none of that matters. What matters is that we get this little one home to us so that they can be loved for the rest of their lives. We think that by sharing our lives (within our comfort zone) there will be the potential to educate others about the orphan crisis, about the need to have more families make the choice to adopt and hopefully help us gain prayers and funds to move our adoption forward, sooner. 

Our hope is to continue filming our journey to bring our child home from Eastern Europe and we hope that you will come along! We will be posting our videos on youtube, facebook and this blog. So without further ado, here is our first video: 

The Way of a Father

I have been blessed to experience the close presence of two amazing fathers in my life: my own father and my husband. I have learned so many things from both of these men: the value of being strong when times are tough, the importance of hard work, sacrificing for your children and how it feels to know you are safe. Growing up, and to this day I have always considered myself a "Daddy's Girl". Even at a young age I appreciated my Dad's honesty- it was always humbling and maturing to hear what you needed to, versus what you wanted to. My father was concerned more about developing my character than telling me what would let me only feel momentarily happiness. But there were still those moments where he would treat me to special gifts: a date over a small bag of chips and a chocolate milk, a new pink bike with spokes (remember those?), a new animal, especially a baby animal from our farm, a gentle hug, kiss, or a meaningful apology when needed. My father has the hardest exterior, but the softest core. I am very lucky to have grown up with a father who always showed me love and worked very hard to give his family the best he could, which was a lot. My father is a teacher at heart and even now I am restless making a decision unless I can have his advice to guide me. My father is also a man of God. I owe my early interest in having a relationship with God to witnessing my father so involved in our church, the first volunteer to pray at any function, the one who would get his food last so others could get fed, the one who purchased almanacs of sorts to further analyze words in the Bible, and the expectation he placed on us to go to church, every Sunday, even when we would rather sleep in. I love my Dad for many things, but I am most thankful for the way in which he showed me how to love God.

My husband waited through some very difficult times to become a father. During our time of loss, where we just couldn't seem to hold on to our babies, he was a rock. I was a mess- and he was the one who would take care of me, the house, the dog, and keep our lives afloat. I have no doubt that the pain I felt so strongly was shared by him, but he had this amazing ability to keep it more under the surface and only bring it out when he had alone time. I was so excited on the day we found out that our son would be coming to live with us, not just because I would become a mom, but more so because I was eager to see Adam be a Dad. He said to me once that he was worried he may not know how to do it, because his own father had died when he was so young. This sentiment shows not only how much he thought about becoming a dad, but this fear he had about whether he would be a good Dad, meant he would be. Because Adam is always thinking about others before himself. There has not been a day in our marriage, or his time as a Dad, where he made a decision selfishly. One of the main reasons I married Adam is because I knew our children would always feel loved, protected and safe with him, even when I could not fulfill those qualities. When Pierce came into our lives, Adam melted into the experience of loving a child more than himself and differently than the way he loves me. The way he loves our son makes me love him even more than I thought I could. They have this special bond that is such a blessing to see. Pierce loves his Daddy for being fun, funny, and able to match his own energy level. Pierce loves his Daddy because he always wants to play with him, build with legos, eat treats together, or read books (after book...after books...after books...). I watch Adam stare lovingly at Pierce. When he looks at him he does this borderline dorky grin that speaks how grateful he is for him. I love my husband for many things, but I am most thankful for the way in which he takes care of our son.

To all the father's out there who may be reading this. Know that you're job is so very important. Know that you make a great impact on not only your children, but your wives and partners who get to see the way you love your children. You are loved, you are necessary, you are worthy of gratitude. Happy Father's Day to my Father, and my Husband!!!

Fundraising: T-Shirts

In order to bring our child home, we need to fund-raise. One of our fundraising pursuits is selling these awesome T-Shirts designed in collaboration with Fund the Nations. Each T-Shirt is $25 bucks (+ $2 for 2xl, 3xl). To order, please contact me via email at heatherteeter@gmail.com. Thanks so much for your support!

Fundraising: Jewelry

In order to bring our child home, we need to fund-raise. One of our fundraising pursuits is selling these handcrafted necklaces (made by Heather). All necklaces and charms are silver in color and made from zinc alloy, or silver plated materials. All necklaces are $15 minimum (or by donation + shipping, if applicable) and come with a charm of your choice (see pictures below, while supplies last). Another option is to buy the pendant on its own ($10), or as a key-chain ($10).

The Bird Nest Pendant comes with any amount of pearls that you would like (within reason for its size) and the pearls can be pretty much any color that you would like (just let me know what color(s) would prefer). As mentioned, you can choose what charm you would like with the necklace (while supplies last).

The Picture Pendant can hold any picture that you would like, in any color that you would like. If you can send it to me through email, it can likely be put into a pendant. Consider you favorite quote, or a family photo, a map of your favorite place, or you babies footprint: all can be done! As mentioned, you can choose what charm you would like with the necklace (while supplies last).

To order: email heatherteeter@gmail.com and I will be glad to answer any questions you may have, or discuss design options.

Bird Nest Pendant: 

Charms:

Picture Pendant: 

*Alternatively, you can donate to us via our youcaring site:
http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/teeter-family-adoption-fund/314735

A Letter to our Future Child

We are answering the call that has been placed on our hearts and pursuing the adoption of a child who has special needs from Eastern Europe, particularly Ukraine. It is our hope that within the next two years we can bring a child home to our family who would otherwise have difficulty being adopted and would be at risk to be institutionalized, or has already been institutionalized, simply because they have special needs. If you have not read my previous post concerning orphans in Ukraine who have special needs, you can read it here.

Many people would falsely construe a child who is adopted as "lucky", but truthfully it is the other way around. The adoptive parents of that child are the lucky ones for being able to be trusted with the responsibility of raising them. No child deserves to be starved, to be tied to a crib and left for hours, to sit in soiled diapers, to have a lack of stimulation and no knowledge of socializing and playing, to not have the joy of a parent who selflessly loves them. We believe we are lucky to be able to bring this child into our home and we know that we will persevere to provide for their needs in any way that we can.

To our future child,

We love you. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for us to find you. It breaks our hearts to think of all the things you have had to endure while waiting for us. To know that you have been hurt, or scared, or sad, or hungry, or anything that is short of happiness is why we will do everything in our power to make sure we can bring you home sooner. We want to meet you, because all we know of you is what has been in our dreams. Do you know how very special you are to us? Do you know that we have waited for you, eagerly? Do you know how much we love you and are so excited for you to be part of our family so that we can hug and kiss you everyday of your life? Do you know that you have a brother who wants to play with you? You are a gift to us- and don't let anyone ever make you feel like you are anything less than someone who is worthy of love and designed perfectly by God.

Soon we will have you in our arms. We have so much work to do on this end before we can come and get you, but know that we will be with you soon. We pray that God gives you that feeling to know we are coming, that there is hope- that He comforts you and protects you all the days of your life until we can add even more happiness to those days.

Sweet child- you are loved. See you soon.

Your family. 

On Being a Mother

Last night my son woke up in the middle of the night, crying. I had only just fallen to sleep, but came out of it pretty quick especially since my being able to sleep at night has almost entirely been replaced with a feeling of restlessness as I wait for him to need me. I went into his room, took hold of him in my arms and sat on the rocking chair that helps lull him into a state of comfort. Almost immediately he went back to sleep. I looked at him while I caressed his cheek: the curve of his nose, the swoop of hair that is his bangs, his full lips which so often bear a welcoming smile, the way his arm curves around my back as I rock him. I start to tear up because for the life of me I still cannot understand how God can love me so much that he would let me be a mother to this sweet boy. I start to pray for him, asking God to bless our boy immensely- to take care of him in the ways that I can't- and to make his life rich with meaningful experiences and for him to feel loved, always. I thank God for bringing him into our lives, for designing a plan that involved us as his parents and for trusting us with his precious life. I kiss his forehead, I gently place him back in his crib, I stroke his cheek one more time and I whisper to him that I love him. I tiptoe back into my room, into my bed and wait to see if he'll need me again that night. A "mommy" follows an hour later and I feel proud- he needs me and I want to be there for him.

Two weeks ago my soon pooped on the floor. I had the brilliant idea of taking off his diaper and letting his "junk" air out. I took my eyes off of him for only seconds (don't all dramatic stories that involve children start with this sentiment?) and he had already managed to poop on the floor, and began wiggling his toes and fingers in it. I yelled for my husband to help, as I often do during times of excrement. We tagged team this situation- he cleaned the poop which had now been painted into the carpet, and I took the feces covered child to the bathroom. He curled his little poop covered legs around me and giggled while he smeared it on to my face: his fingers the brush, the poop his paint, my face his canvas. I turned on the water, gagged through the peeling off of his soiled clothing and breathed a sigh of relief when he finally entered the bubble filled bath, "BUBBLES!" he exclaimed excitedly. I listen to my husband cussing in the background knowing that his job of cleaning the carpets would last much longer than wrangling our child "artist".

Being a mother is accepting that your role is a paradox: In order to experience how wonderful it is to be needed and to be able to want to selflessly give, you must also be occasionally knee dip in crap. Because being a mother is wanting everything that your child can offer you: the hugs, the kisses, the tantrums, the formula spit up on your new blouse (or for those who breast feed- the drippy nipples). Being a mother is relishing in every moment, immersing yourself so far into your child(rens) precious lives that you don't know who you are without them and you don't want to be the person you would be without them, or before you had them.

What a gift it is to be a mother. Being a mother means having the opportunity to know how much God loves us; because although it seems like we can`t love our children more than we already do, He loves us that much more. And this love is unconditional, even during the times when it seems gross, unfathomable, undeserved, or difficult. I was designed to love this child: just like God designed me to be loved by Him. Me being a mother is possible only because God loved me first. How lucky am I?